Monday, September 20, 2010

Bacontini

We love bacon here at Preposterous Food, who doesn't?! Bacon could very well be the pinnacle of meat technology, and it's amazing to think that this quintessential comestible is derived from pig's flesh! There's only one downside to bacon, you have to chew it, and chewing can be very taxing on one's jaw! Nobody want's to come home from a long day slaving in the office and then have to chew their food! That's just too much! something blended or mushy would be so much easier to eat, or perhaps.....

LIQUID! That's right children, we've set out to capture the essence of this prime pig portion in liquid form! We spent months attempting to harvest the essential oil of bacon by squeezing it, until someone pointed out that bacon doesn't contain an essential oil. Who knew!

So how does one turn bacon into a suitably preposterous, classy, and delicious beverage you might be asking? Well stop asking so many damn questions so I can explain! You simply add alcohol! Indeed, what can't be made better by the addition of alcohol? We even mix alcohol with more alcohol, that's how great it is! And the motto of Preposterous Foods is Ominus is Bonus Intus Bacon (All is Good Within Bacon) so why not mix these to fundamental flavors into a symphony of tastes that will make your eyes bleed with happiness!

It's happened before, and it was wonderful!

So we set out to make the Bacontini, the greatest cocktail ever conceived in the mind of mortal man! Even greater than the Sourtoe Cocktail, although this doesn't contain any body parts. So let us go ever the grocery list for creating this wonder at home:

-Vermouth, sweet or dry depending on your preference
-Vodka or Gin
-Ice
-Cooked bacon, in a strip or rolled in a ball
-Bacon Bits, or just some crumbled bacon
-Reserve some of the bacon drippings, we'll get to that soon
-A glass and mixer help

All that crap in the back isn't needed, it just adds atmosphere!
First step is to add the ice, gin or vodka, and the vermouth into your mixer. The exact ratio of a good martini isn't something that can be taught, it must be discovered! Everyone has their unique tastes, so we won't attempt to tell you what the right ratio of the perfect martini is, but we will tell you that if you use more than just a splash of vermouth, you are an idiot and we have no respect for you.

This is your brain on the Bacontini




This still life photo is for sale! Only $199.99!
Once you've properly shaken the ingredients we'll move on to the cup! Don't think you can just slop a masterpiece like this into a mug, this drink deserves a chalice worthy of its grandeur! First you'll put a little of the reserve dripping on a plate and place your martini glass upside down on the plate, coating the rim in bacon fat!





Then rim the now greasy glass with bacon bits! This will not only add to the deliciousness of the bacontini, but adds a look that says "I'm confident in my bacon drinking ability!". Your monstrosity should look something like this....





Now simply pour your drink into your glass and garnish with a ball'o'bacon! This creates a subtle, yet powerful flavor that can be enjoyed by the bacon beginner or connoisseur, and is great for any occasion! For a truly amazing bacon drink, use actual bacon vodka, which can be found here: http://bakonvodka.com/

The onion can be added for effect, as long as it doesn't compete with the flavor of the bacon!

We expect to see it in all the trendiest clubs within the month!

Now we were left with extra bacon, bacon fat, and all the makings for a martini. To most people, this would seem like a good time to stop, but we here at Preposterous Food like to go that extra step! And so children, we shall be showing how to make a second drink today, the Dirty Bacontini!

A regular dirty martini is a martini with olive brine added to it to create a more savory flavor and dirty tint. So how does this translate to the Bacontini you ask? BACON FAT! The key to a Dirty Bacontini is the left over bacon fat, which you simply add to the drink at the same time as the alcohol! We only encountered one problem to this method. For bacon fat to remain in a liquid state it must be kept warm, and for a martini to be a martini is must be shaken with ice! The result: the bacon fat re-solidified into fat globules with floated about the drink like soggy cotten balls!

We can't be held responsible for any injury, physical or mental, caused by this drink!
And so with the bacon fat floating about the Bacontini like majestic little cottage cheese icebergs, we decided to scrap the Dirty Bacontini idea and cast the monster down the drain. So dear reader, we hope that this tutorial on the Bacontini has inspired you to look at bacon and alcohol in new ways! Just not in this way...



Kill it with fire!!

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