Breakfast Sushi

Nine out of seven doctors agree that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, it provides your body with the starting nutrition that it needs to carry you through the doldrums of your dull meaningless life. Unless of course you're a preposterous cook, in which case breakfast is the perfect time to mangle otherwise subtly delicious dishes into bacon-filled grease sprees! Which is why we here at preposterous foods have decided to bestow a gift upon you, the gift of breakfast sushi! Quite possible the greatest step forward in breakfast cuisine since butter.... just butter.

Now I know what you're thinking "But sushi is a concoction of rice, algae, and the raw flesh of fish! How is that suitable for breakfast?" Well maybe you shouldn't be such an interrupting jackass and let me finish! Breakfast sushi is a conglomeration (I love that word) of all the best breakfast tastes, namely:

-1 Lb. Bacon
-1 Bag'o'frozen'hash-browns
-6 Eggs
-Sausage in patty or link form
-1 Bucket of cheese
-Salt and pepper

Alrighty! First steps to making your own breakfast sushi is to set your oven to precisely 360F, and not a degree off! Then take two sheet pans and heavily grease one, it's baking time! (similar to bacon time) On the ungreased sheet pan you shall arrange your bacon in a crosshatch patter (google it Einstein) and then whisk together the 6 eggs with salt and pepper and pour them into the greased sheet pan! Now, put both the eggs and bacon into the oven until the bacon is crispy and the eggs begins to form large bubbles (20 to 30 minutes) Your finished products should look something like this:

By adding an X to the bacon, we've made it preposterously pretty!

You should be able to slip a spatula right underneath your eggs and fold them up in a sheet. The corner on ours is exposing itself, cheeky little devil!

While your eggs and bacon are baking, you should be preparing your hash-browns as directed on the packaging and frying up your sausages! We used an electric griddle to accomplish this, as is befitting our professional status!

Once everything has finished cooking, its time to begin assembling your breakfast delight! Start by cutting a sheet of egg slightly larger than your bacon, then place the slab of bacon on the egg like so:

Then slather liberally with hash-browns, as pictured:

Now delicately smush the sausage onto one side of your creation, as you see here:

 
We rolled our breakfast sushi using an intricate system of pulleys somewhat resembling the rigging used on Napoleonic Era warships, but you can make do with your hands. Firmly grasp the sausage end of your sushi with all the strength your little girly hands can muster and gently roll it over with all the care and delicacy you would use with a baby! This should create a tightly packed breakfast burrito, delicious and nutritious, just like the aforementioned baby!

Now simply slice the burrito into four or five sections and garnish with a fistful of cheese or two!

Mmmmm cheesier than Nolan's one liners!

And Voila! You've just made a mess of the kitchen and something for the cat to choke on! This dish not only makes a great breakfast, but a wonderful hors d'oeuvre for undiscerning party goers! And while it is still in the burrito form, this dish can be used for multiple purposes! Such as:

-A doorstop
-A lawn gnome
-A war club
-A pillow
-A peace club
-A rock
-A seal club
And much more!

This could very well be the most versatile food we've ever featured! Which isn't very hard considering it's the second! 

Sourtoe Cocktail

So ladies and gentlemen, we're here today to discuss an absolute abomination in the world of bar-tending! This is a drink that will assuredly make you cry out "Why on God's green earth are Canadians allowed near alcohol?!" A question which has puzzled mankind for many years!

Yes my dear reader, we are talking about the sourtoe cocktail, the only drink to contain a real, fleshy, decomposing human toe!

Yup....... just think about that for a bit!

These are human toes donated to the the Downtown Hotel in Dawson City, Yukon! Slapping down five dollars will give you the sourtoe cocktail and make you an official member of the the exclusive Sourtoe Cocktail Club.

Why donate your body to science or some dumb cause like that when you can choose to have your fresh corpse stripped of it's toes for salty old patrons to down with their whiskey sours! So this is my challenge to you dear reader, go to Yukon and join the exclusive Sourtoe Cocktail Club, and remember, it doesn't count unless the toe touches your lips!

I'll be at home enjoying a nice drink devoid of human extremities!


Feel free to visit the Sourtoe Cocktail Club's website at http://www.sourtoecocktailclub.com/sourtoe.html
At least the music is good!

The Deathburger

So Adam and Nolan were sitting in their large leather chairs one day, enjoying fine cigars and sipping cognac when Nolan cried aloud
"I say Adam! What two foods would you say best describe the American spirit of cookery?"
"Well!" Adam slurred after his 4th snifter "I do believe your referring to the bacon cheeseburger and the pizza!"
"But Pizza is from Italy?" asked Nolan
"Nonetheless!" projected Adam "We stout Americans have perfected the dish!"
"Then" stated Nolan "We should cook these two items, and enjoy them as we watch the races today"
"Or an even better idea!" cried Adam, sloshing cognac about "We should combine the two dishes into a delicious concoction of bacon, burger, pizza, and cheese!"
"I say I say! That sounds marvelous!" Bellowed Nolan, and so began the Deathburger!

We began our quest to make the perfect combination of pizza and burger by gathering together the necessary supplies:

- 1 Lb. ground beef
- 1/2 Lb American (hoo-ra!) cheese
- 2 individual pizzas of your choosing
- 1 pound of bacon
- 1/2 onion

We began by splitting the beef into two separate patties of roughly equal size and shape, next we organized the bacon into a symmetrical mess resting upon a bed of tinfoil on a sheet pan. The first step in cooking was to caramelize the onions by submitting them to low heat for quite a while until dark brown, but not burnt (low and slow baby!) Then set your oven to 350 and put the bacon in once the oven's temperature come to fruition. (or if you have an electric griddle, cook the bacon on that for a crispy round of pork goodness)

Once the bacon and onions are cooking, dust off that poor neglected grill of yours and fire it up, it's time for burgers! Cook the burgers to your desired level of rawness (the more raw, the more manly!) and cook the pizza to the manufacturers specifications. Add the cheese to your burgers and assuming you haven't completely botched the whole process, your component's should be finished and look something like this.....

Now come's the fun part, assembling all the raw materials into a glorious assortment of heart-attack inducing goodness. First, put one burger on your pizza, cheesy side facing up and smother with onions, like so....

After the first stage is assembled, place your bacon hodgepodge on top of the caramelized onions, like so....

Then, place the second patty, cheese side down on top of the bacon situation, and the second pizza on top of that. Now congratulate yourself, you've just created a gorgeous Deathburger, fit for a king! A king with no concern for his cholesterol or sodium intake, and who's not too picky about the queen he ends up with! Your finished product should end up something like this....

Oooohhhh that cheesy goodness!

Now cut your Deathburger as desired and garnish with parsley, or some of those little umbrellas that go in sissy drinks! Whatever make you happy..... sissy!

And so, our quest for the ultimate bacon cheeseburger/pizza thing culminated in the Deathburger! Possibly the greatest culinary invention since sliced bread, but then who are we to judge?

We are cooks, cooks who makes terribly awesome food!